A Star Wars Reboot

Recently, I saw a poll on a pop culture Threads account asking if the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy should be retconned.

I was surprised to find that just 36% said YES, and the remaining 64% said NO. It was only a small poll, but an interesting sampling size of the idiots in the world.

If you’ve read me for any length of time, or been unfortunate enough to engage me in a conversation about this topic, you’ll know I think the Sequels are a thundering shitfest comprising poor characterisations, derivative storytelling (even in Rian Johnson’s The Last Jedi, which is narrative wankery that fools you into thinking it’s meaningful, but is entirely meaningless), and contrived plotting.

I’ve written tomes about it, so I’m not going to go into anything exhaustive here.

Instead, I want to point at just one of the core premises to highlight the level of stupidity behind these movies: JJ Abrams, who was tasked with continuing and rebooting the franchise, introduced the idea that characters like the protagonist Rey didn’t realize there really had been a rebellion that had overthrown the Empire and that Luke Skywalker was just a myth.

Fuck me, you’re an idiot, JJ.

The Arthurian legend is set around the fifth or sixth century. That’s about 1,500 years as opposed to 40. There’s a big difference between 1,500 and 40. You can understand why something has faded into legend over 1,500 years. But 40?

The Vietnam war was 51 years ago. Have we forgotten that? How about the Korean War, which was 75 years ago? Or World War II, which was 80 years ago? Or World War I, which was 111 years ago? Or how about the American Civil War, which was 161 years ago?

How many of these things are now mythic to us?

Zero.

The argument might be that, with Star Wars, we’re dealing with a story that’s galactic, and there might be areas that weren’t involved in the conflict and only hear about it apocryphally.

The galaxy’s a big place, after all.

And that’s fair enough.

I imagine tribes still living in isolation know nothing about our wars.

But, somehow, JJ has his protagonist, Rey, knowing who Han Solo the smuggler is, and what the Millennium Falcon is, but not the most seismic event in galactic history – the death of Emperor Palpatine (until, somehow, he returns!) and not only the overthrow of the Empire, but its resurrection into the First Order.

This is what I loathe about JJ’s storytelling. He’ll shoot stuff that’s gorgeous, although unoriginal, echoing what a better filmmaker, like George Lucas, has done, but just with more advanced technology. (And it’s carried JJ much further than I am, so while I can bitch about him, good on him for his success.)

But what pisses me off is that he creates moments that have no connection to one another. It’s all about the cool thing and the sweet visual. There needs to be no logic to support it, no causality to create it, no lasting resonance, no world-building behind it, no ramifications, but if it looks and/or sounds good in that moment, then that’s all that’s needed.

In The Farce Awakens, Rey thinks the Rebels’ conflict with the Empire, and the existence of Luke Skywalker, is a myth. Okay. So she lives in the back end of the galaxy. Yet, somehow, she’s heard of Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon.

Push this further – Han Solo’s credited with a one amazing feat – the Kessel Run. And that’s about it. Otherwise, he’s just another mercenary in a galaxy full of mercenaries, smugglers, and pirates. He’s not mercenary royalty in any way. He does piss off Jabba the Hutt, but if somehow JJ thinks that’s making more headlines than the rebellion against the tyrannical Empire, then he’s a git.

Surely, if Han Solo’s known for anything lasting it’s his work with the Rebels. He’s known for saving Luke in A New Hope, allowing Luke to destroy the Death Star. Han got a fucking medal for it. He’d be known for bringing down the shield generator on Endor, which allowed the Death Star in Return of the Jedi to be destroyed. He might be known for Jabba the Hutt freezing him in carbonite.

Well, that last thing’s a smuggling thing, you’d think. Well, no, not entirely, because Darth Vader commissioned Boba Fett to capture Han Solo. Han Solo is a bargaining chip to bait Luke Skywalker. All these events revolve around the galactic struggle, not the sands through the hourglasses which are the days of smugglers lives.

How the hell does Han Solo the Smuggler and his ship the Millennium Falcon (which has been jettisoned on Jakku) have a bigger reputation than Han Solo the Rebel general?

Your counter might be that Han Solo builds this reputation between the Original Trilogy and the Sequel Trilogy. Google tells me about 30 years has passed between the two. In that time, Han Solo’s married to Leia, and they have Ben. He’s about 23 when he leaves Luke. Presumably, Han and Leia are contentedly married until their child flips. Then Han becomes this pathetic, lifeless, grizzled old man. Was he forging a legend then? And Google tells me that, apparently, the Millennium Falcon was marooned on Jakku for 30 years.

None of this makes sense.

But the thing that pisses me off most about this whole mythic premise is that Rey is scavenging an Imperial Star Destroyer that’s half-buried in the desert.

Doesn’t she wonder why it’s there? How it crashed? Or is it so common for these ships to just hit planets? (A Google search suggests it was taken by Rebels during the battle of Endor, and rather than losing it, its commanding officer scuttled and crashed the ship.)

Wouldn’t its presence suggest there was a battle big enough to topple a Star Destroyer? Wouldn’t the people of Jakku have stories about it crashing on their planet? Or, in 40 years (but really 30), did that become legend, too, despite the fact the evidence is sitting there?

Again, JJ doesn’t think about how things marry. It’s a sweet visual to have a half-buried Star Destroyer. Don’t worry about the connective tissue. Don’t worry about how one moment works with the next. This is why his stories are contrived. Things happen because they need to happen so he can plot his story beats.

Rian Johnson’s done no better, despite beliefs he did something original and daring with the franchise. No. He didn’t. Just like JJ, he has moments which fool you into thinking he’s creatively rich and innovative, but they’re not self-sustaining, nor have any longevity. They just are.

People will say that I’m overthinking this, that I should just sit back, park my brain, and enjoy the ride. If this is your response, my counter is simple: Fuck you. Stories have to make sense within the universe they’re creating. You have to perform world-building that gives these properties depth and complexity. Things don’t just happen because they need to happen. That’s just pure hackery.

I’m going to stop here, because I could write tens of thousands of words on why these things don’t work, or why they fool you into thinking they’re better than they are. The pop culture mafia have (already) performed worthwhile deconstructions of them on YouTube – deconstructions that I can appreciate as a former editor. I just wanted to use this one moment of world-building to show easily this shit unravels.

And if you don’t believe that, just look at how the franchise has depreciated under Disney’s stewardship. Look at how these movies progressively grossed less as the novelty of the franchise’s resurrection wore off, exposing just how bad they are. Look at how much the franchise is struggling. That didn’t just happen due to a vocal minority. Some might say it’s saturation, but that’s bullshit, too – nobody had a problem when Marvel was churning out good movies. It only became an issue when they started churning out substandard movies. Same with Star Wars.

So, going back to that poll, I don’t want the Sequel Trilogy retconned.

I want it smashed out of existence.

I’d love to see a new Trilogy that begins with Luke Skywalker feeling some despondency, and contemplating leaving the New Republic. But, during a meditation, he has a Force vision where he sees himself running off but leaving a map to his location (seriously: wtf?), which results in the entire Sequel Trilogy. So he decides to stick with the New Republic, and everything can start over, minus the nine hours of Sequel shittitude.

Yeah, it commits the entire Sequel Trilogy to, But it was all a dream!, and yet somehow that’d still be better than what those fucking things do.

Then, somehow, the franchise can return.