Contemporaneous: Chapters 21 – 22
21. No messages in the morning, nothing but that unease of something that went wrong, and the uncertainty of how culpable I am. But this is no different to any of the multitudes of arguments I’ve had with Lana, although (as so many do with relationships) there’s that regret of what might’ve been. I’m too inexperienced in relationships (at least long-term ones) to know if I’m unrealistic, or perhaps I’m too wishy washy to see it for what it is. I have breakfast, brush my teeth (while playing my Words shots), then shower, preparing to sit in front of the computer and try get through some writing before I meet…
Twenty-Four
The very first melancholy episode I can remember experiencing occurred when I was ten. It was a simple moment of darkness, of feeling inexplicably down. Given it arrived with little surprise, things must’ve been happening earlier that normalised this for me, although I don’t recall anything specific. These episodes got worse through my teens, along with periods of agitation, punctuated by the occasional manic burst of energy. But I learned to mask it all as best as I could, although that wasn’t always easy. These things made it hard to fit in, hard to connect, hard to be like everybody else. Everything was an act. I looked like one of…